That isn’t how it works

I just finished making a mobile version of our Phraxos Films website. If you have an iPhone you should check it out.

my mind fell out

and I was calmer then

I ate a snack and checked the mailbox

it was empty

I saw the postman, ours is a lady, and I waved

she waved back and I walked my dog down our pollen covered street

the dog pulls on her leash trying to get ahead

but only goes as I go

she chokes herself and doesn’t care

because the smells she’s smelling

are so impelling

by the time we made it around the neighborhood

and back to my house

I was sure our mail had arrived

so I checked the box again

my allergies are terrible this year

my brain has been feeling dry

I really ought to get a glass of water

I ought to take a nap

and then get back to work

I’ve got a lot to do

12:12

Listening to this mixtape I found in a box of my things in the basement

I didn’t cry like I did when we first listened to it, but just to make sure

I waited until I had listened to every track to say so

how does it feel when you’re lungs are burning

the smoke is sucked into the chamber

the little pieces of paper glow and turn to ash

floating up around your eyes

it stings my bleeding ankles

when the water’s hot

after soccer

all the men, my dad’s friends

walk around to the sounds of latin women singing

they laugh and joke about their wives

I am not part of their fraternity

but they let me participate

as his son

and as his son

I am not myself

I do not speak

I do not laugh or joke

when I have a chance I spy the high school girls

slamming balls into the back of the net

a blonde with a ponytail

catches my eye

while the other girls bare their naked legs

hers are covered

in black sweatpants

she is my first girlfriend

she moves just how I remember

how come I never stopped loving her

how come I never stopped loving them

that feeling of desire

sometimes slides up my throat

and other times

sinks down into my abdomen

 where it bulges

and friends seem to notice a difference in my posture

when I was the object of desire

of an older man

he was ugly and had an earthy smell

can I remember how it felt

when he’d put his hands on me

pat my back

when our bodies would touch for a second

running into one another out on the pitch

is it strange now to wonder if he

ever found greater satisfaction with another

or if the proximity was enough

I’d like to say a few words about my mother

just as soon as I can get this awful taste out of my mouth

new girlfriends

new pussies to explore

new stds to think I have

new people to forget

I’m missing a husband and wife

I’m missing opportunities to become someone else

I want to tell you about my dream she says

well, I have a dream too

a dream about my life as a film

it would

begin and end on a toilet

I have a fantasy of it ending with me on the john in an airplane

the plane starts shaking

there’s a horrible crunching noise

and suddenly I’m free falling with my pants around my ankles

there’s nothing to hold on to but the pot

it would be a beautiful, sunny day

making the turbulence inexplicable

a sudden twist of fate mid-evacuation

but

that’s not really how it would happen

no

I’d be old and at home

on my own toilet

just how I’ve always been

heart attack, stroke, whatever

either way it would still end in shit

bravo

Check out my new blog:

michaelincalifornia.tumblr.com

it’s time for a new life

I’ll move west when winter comes

where the promise of fortune

leads men to die

in the waters of the arbitrating Sacramento

from the bank I saw a mexican girl

wade in after her spirit

she smiled at me 

and then was swept away from me forever

I’ll dream of her until I’m dead

Don’t become debilitated by an obsession with technical ability.

It is not possible for everyone to achieve vocal perfection in singing, or mastery of the brush in painting.

Practice everyday to get better, but remember it is more important that you perform with conviction than perfection.

read back through the conversations we had

before you left

heart’s racing

they were awfully pleasant

and

awful